Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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