just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
