Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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