Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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