my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
