slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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