someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
