My nipple is on Facebook.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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