We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
