She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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