Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
