Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
