If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
