Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
