I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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