pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
