The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
