i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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