Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
