Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
