i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
