Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
