I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
