I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
