i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
they need to just BURY HIM!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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