His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
