she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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