im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
