Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
