this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
