she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
