I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
