I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
