So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
