I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
