he was CRYING into my vagina
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
