That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
