I think my vagina is haunted
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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