So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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