have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
