god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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