Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
