Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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