There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
