peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
