Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
