I didn't shave. On purpose
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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