So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
