the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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