yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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