don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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