I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
