He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
