We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize