god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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