so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
