I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
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I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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