So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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