So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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