i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
