I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
