You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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